South Coast
Community Receives Grant for First Underwater Maritime Welcome Center
A South Coast Community is
celebrating receipt of a government grant to proceed with plans to develop the
first ever underwater maritime welcome center. The property chosen is widely
known for providing equal access by land or by sea, including all areas of the
building's first floor. This fine estate includes a deep water dock, featuring
at least 2' of draft access at high tide, and a stunning view into the second
story windows of the other property structures. The swift currents running past
the property make it ideal for the sort of "tough love" Darwinian
kayak and sailing program for area youth that the town wishes to develop. Potential
mold and mildew problems inherent in such structures are no worry to a town
that has been had its entire police force huddled in a refugee camp for years
as a result of such issues.
When asked about the project,
Town Administrator Dante Crustacean touted the initiative's foresight in offering
the world's first unisex underwater bathrooms. "Sure, everyone is buzzing
about unisex bathrooms, but no one else if looking toward the future and
offering them under water." said Crustacean.
Some parents have expressed
concern about the choice of a site so near to the main marine traffic channel,
the bridge, and barnacle covered boulders, but project proponents were quick to
point out that these risks were offset by the potential to offer indoor
swimming lessons on the first floor. Upper levels will be used for
administrative offices. According to Mr. Babbling Brook, a town official of
some sort or other, " I can just see myself with my feet up on that
railing, looking out over this unique facility." Public access will be
offered by the world's first below to above sea surface elevator system, not
yet developed, but certain to be available within the budget before project
completion. Indeed, opposition to the project from neighbors, boaters,
engineers, and others has been largely dismissed as coming from
"NUMBY's", or those who do not want to see such a facility under
their back yard.
And speaking of the budget,
Mr. Crustacean pointed out that it would be foolish not to take advantage of
this free money and spend it, apparently several times over. When challenged by
a town father that grants were not "free" but tax based, Crustacean
replied "Yes, but it's not our money until we spend it." Indeed it is a magical grant in that it grew
some 70% just in discussion, with several of the needed property improvements
to be paid for with the same money. The true cost of the project remains
somewhat murky, but then all of the best government works suffer from this
challenge. One town member suggested that perhaps enough of the dirt excavated
from the "big dig" could be acquired at discount to create some above
water parking on the site. Crustacean
countered that since this was an underwater welcome center, car parking would
be irrelevant. "Every summer we have countless guests visit our town
underwater. They are underserved to the point we don't even know they are here.
This will fix all of that."
As to the potential revenue
generating use of the development, the town is currently reaching out to the
Cousteau society and retired Navy SEAL organizations. They point out that this
facility will offer a unique venue for meetings and fundraising events for such
groups. It is presently under research as to whether the town can issue an
underwater liquor license to make such use more attractive. A public safety
officer for the town, Mr. Dorsal Gills suggested that such a license might be
possible as soon as town officials were convinced that underwater imbibers were
not going to be drinking like fish and getting tanked. "Swimming home
through those bridge pilings is no mean feat sober," he said. "We
can't have them doing so drunk." Additional revenue is anticipated from
expanding the already thriving aquaculture project in the primary structure's
crawl space.
The prescience of this
project is inspiring. While the world bickers about climate change and rising
seawater levels, here is a community ahead of itself in every way, particularly
fiscally. The future is underwater, no matter what we do at this point, so why
not begin developing municipal access accordingly?
